#10 Embracing Gratitude: A Shift in Perspective through Loneliness

A number of years ago when I was single and feeling lonely, I went for a walk around the local duck pond. Feeling my loneliness deeply, I wanted to try distracting myself with some exercise and perhaps experience the peace that I often find when I'm out in nature. I love walking but sometimes it can be a bit painful and difficult. At least that can be the case for me, and it was on this particular day. It’s what I call the ‘grass is greener’ mindset. I found myself walking past couples who were holding hands and talking, and it was like a kick in the guts because it seemed to highlight how alone I was. I had no idea who any of these couples were or what they were going through in life, but something went off in my head that conveniently filled in the gaps. I’m sure this is a common experience for people who’ve lost a loved one, who’ve experienced a relationship breakdown or who may just long for a partner in life. Feelings of loneliness are not only natural they’re normal so there’s nothing wrong with feeling like this. I just know I need to be careful that I don’t allow thoughts to grow into stories that can cause me even more pain.

Navigating the 'Grass is Greener' Mindset

Maybe you've had an experience similar to this and so you know what I'm talking about. A story begins in your head and for some reason you feed it – “They’re so happy, their world is so perfect, they don’t have any challenges …. etc etc.” It's not just to do with couples walking past holding hands. It can happen when another person walks past all on their own. You can feed that story as well, “They're probably happily married and just taking a break from the kids, or their partner is at home, and they just wanted some time to themselves…. etc etc.” It can happen when you see a group of friends out at a pub or when you see families at the beach with kids playing all around having such a great time. Depending on what we’re going through ourselves we can see all the laughter and everyone having a great time and we can build stories in our minds of the perfect lives of all these people. This only serves to highlight that our lives are not so perfect.

I suspect this is common, but we really have no idea what’s happening in the lives of everyone around us. Rarely are we in a position to know what’s going on behind the scenes and yet we can allow stories to form that see us comparing what we don't have with what we are suddenly sure others do have. Social media platforms have made an art form of projecting stories that we assume are true and they can create envy or longing or pain when we compare them against our own story and our own experiences. How many times do we discover down the track that it was all an illusion?

"Comparison is the thief of joy." Theodore Roosevelt

What started off that day for me as a relaxing walk to help me de-stress started to do the exact opposite. It highlighted my loneliness and began to unravel me with thoughts that I didn’t want and stories that had no basis at all. It was tough and anything but relaxing. A simple walk was turning into a type of blood sport—I was in danger of coming away from something that started out with high hopes all bruised and bloody and hurting.

Gratitude: Embracing a Mindful Shift

I decided to try something different in the middle of my walk because letting these stories run wild wasn’t working for me at all. Feelings of envy as I compared myself to others simply added to an already deep sense of loneliness. I knew I needed a shift in the way I was seeing things around me, and even the way I was seeing my own life. I needed a change in perspective, so I took a deep breath and tried to look at things differently. I’d heard a bit about recognising thoughts and feelings and letting them pass by, so I stopped and looked around at what was right in front of me, not what was running through my head. I immediately noticed some kangaroos bounding across the road just ahead of me. At first, I had to resist the thought that even the kangaroos were not on their own 🤣. Instead, I chose to be thankful that, despite the recent bushfires interstate that had killed so much wildlife, there were local kangaroos doing well not far from my own backyard.

“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” Germany Kent

Discovering Beauty Amidst Solitude

With this small shift in my perspective, I also suddenly became aware of the sounds of birds all around me and found myself listening to those rather than paying attention to growing stories in my head. People walked past and I wondered what their story really was instead of telling myself the one I was tempted to imagine. Everyone has a story, and they may have been out walking in their own difficult situation. Instead, I chose to smile at each one and say hello. It helped a little.

Embracing Gratitude for a Brighter Tomorrow

The sun was setting as I left the park, and as I tried to continue this different way of dealing with my thoughts I noticed beautiful colours in the sky, birds and insects getting louder, and the warmth of the early evening. My walk had changed from what was starting down a very unhelpful path to something much more what I had in mind when I first set out. Rather than feeling bruised emotionally as I looked at everyone else and made assumptions about their lives, I felt my body and my mind relax a little and I started to enjoy some good things around me.

This wasn’t about denying how I was feeling, and it wasn’t some new way to distract myself, it was about making just a slight shift in my perspective in this moment. There were things that could provide some joy on my walk even if I wasn’t feeling great. There were beautiful parts of the world all around me even in the midst of deeply painful feelings that were real and natural and normal. The initial perspective I’d been taking on the walk was to see that everyone I passed by was doing great and was so happy, while I was in pain and feeling alone. Of course, I had absolutely no idea how any of them were doing so this wasn’t helpful at all. To try to change that perspective and recognise I was having thoughts that were natural in my circumstances, but getting in the way of a relaxing walk was a start. To then let them go while I tuned into to what was around me started to make a difference. I could feel it.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie

Of course, this shift in my thinking didn’t take away my situation or fix my sense of loneliness or send all those emotions away, but it did provide an alternate way to see my own situation and even just for this moment, the way I chose to see the world around me. Yes, I was lonely, but I wasn’t alone. I had friends and family I could call on and ask for their company or support. Yes, I was in pain, but I could also be grateful that I had a beautiful park nearby with kangaroos and birds where I could go and walk and breathe in the beautiful fresh air. This was really helpful on my walk. Noticing that there were things to be grateful for, while still holding in tension that there were things I was finding really difficult to understand, enabled me to enjoy a walk that might have left me feeling even worse.

Why not go for a walk today and, rather than allow stories to run wild of what’s happening in people around you, shift your perspective a little to notice little things as you walk and give thanks. It might just provide a little bit of relief and some moments of joy even if you are feeling lonely and sad.

From Reflection to Action: (These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)

Shift your perspective: Start to try to notice situations that might trigger your racing thoughts or ‘storytelling’ and ask God for help you to begin to develop a different perspective. Start small by focussing on the little things around you in those situations—you may even find that they bring you some joy.
Start working Gratitude into your Journal: Try jotting down what you’ve started to become aware of around you. Things that you might not have noticed before. It could be a local magpie that visits your garden or the voice of children in your neighbourhood playing. Write them down and give thanks as a starting point.
Limit Social Media Use: Consider reducing your time on social media, especially if it tends to trigger feelings of loneliness or comparison. Set boundaries for yourself, such as only checking social media at certain times of the day or unfollowing accounts that make you feel inadequate. Instead, use that time to engage in activities that feed your soul and bring you joy, like spending time in nature or connecting with people you care about face-to-face.
Prayer: Set aside some dedicated time each day for prayer. It doesn’t need to be long at all. Use this time to pour out your heart to God, expressing your feelings of loneliness and seeking His comfort and guidance. Invite God to help you see some of the beauty and the blessings that surround you, even in the midst of your loneliness.
Capture Your Thoughts: When your mind starts racing with unhelpful thoughts, maybe try to remember 2 Cor 10:5b “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Take a moment to pause and hand these thoughts over to God.
Tune into Encouraging Podcasts: Boost your resilience with these stories from the Resilient Souls podcast.

Bible verses about God being present and shifting your perspective:

Isaiah 41:10: The Message: "Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."
Psalm 34:18 CEV: "The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope."
Matthew 11:28 NLT: "Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'"
Colossians 3:2 (NIV): "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
Philippians 4:8 (NLT): "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."